John Chupka

John Chupka Quick Facts

Twenty years ago my wife and I and our only child were living a happy, spiritual, and productive life. We were successful professionally, had a beautiful home, and we rejoiced in our relationships with our parents, our friends and our neighbors. Until, at age 14 our daughter took her first drink. At that moment she began a descent into hell. Over the next 16 years she would suffer unspeakable shame as she gave her life over to addiction. She came within inches of death on untold occasions. While we spoke to her every day and supported her in every way we could, our daughter became a full-blown addict.

We frantically attempted to keep her alive. On September 11, 2001 she would once again try to end her life. Four days later, on her 29th birthday she was admitted to a locked psychiatric ward. Heart-broken, we began to understand that she could very well die. We had to prepare ourselves for her funeral. I couldn’t bear it. This child, whom I held in my arms a few moments after her birth, and held so many times over her difficult life, could, and most likely would die….And if she did, how could we survive? My rational mind brought me to the point where I knew I would live after she died. I had a wonderful wife, great friends, and an extended support system. I could do it. What I could not imagine was how to live with the relentless judgment that would haunt me for the rest of my days. This judgment would rob me and others from experiencing whatever love I might have left. This judgment mocked me. It taunted me. It would endlessly enter my prayers and meditations asking me: If I was a really a skilled therapist, who facilitated wonderful healings in my office day after day- Why couldn’t I heal my own daughter? Why couldn’t I lift her from her own pain? Why couldn’t I help her see how worthy and beautiful she was?

Obviously, these failures were my fault. I held myself responsible. To make matters worse, as therapist, as a metaphysician, I knew better. So, I judged myself for not being able to rise above the judgment. I was resentful. l but couldn’t express the resentment because I thought it would hurt my daughter and somehow contribute to her demise. Judgment told me to repress my resentment. I followed her advice. I judged myself for that. Why couldn’t I be honest? I resented the addiction for causing me so much resentment. I was stuck. I was helpless. I was imprisoned.

But I was still alive. I had to go through the motions of life. I wondered if my daughter’s addiction had a higher purpose in my life. Then I heard the quiet voice of forgiveness whispering to me. I had not allowed myself to hear her because I had been so busy keeping the pain at bay. Or so I thought. But I was hurting. All my energy was going toward feeding the demanding voice of judgment.

Which voice would I pay attention to? The voice of judgment was cruel and punishing. Judgment had led me to despair. The voice of forgiveness had healed so many of my clients. I remembered the sense of freedom they expressed when they opened the gift. I knew that forgiveness would allow me to heal the wound that was so raw, that I hid it, even from myself. The thought of forgiveness began to soothe a pain that I had hidden deep within my heart. The courage of forgiveness allowed me to look at my wound and recognize that it was self imposed. I had experienced enough pain. Some pain I had no control over. This pain I could end. By accepting the gift of forgiveness I could release my need to judge myself and others.

Sweet forgiveness gave me the insight to love again. Forgiveness lifted the light on the path of my journey to freedom. Her illumination exposed the shadows that my judgments cast on me and all who crossed my path. Forgiveness is the gift that set me free. If you invite forgiveness into your life she will show you how to love for the sake of loving. She will release you from all the constraints you place on joyful living.

My daughter has been sober for six years. She, my wife and I are about to publish the book telling the story of how faith, love and forgiveness saved her life.