Frank Gunzburg PhD

Expert

Your marriage doesn't have to be miserable.

You might ask yourself, "How can I get rid of the misery in my relationship?" You might think, "We've been trying for years and nothing has worked." Or, you might lament, "I've been trying to fix our relationship, but I can't get my spouse to cooperate." You cannot blame yourself for not knowing what you haven't been taught.

 

There are marriage skills that are not part of our education. Perhaps when the world moved slower and families clustered around each other both geographically and in spending time together, there was an opportunity to teach and learn relationship skills in a way that has been lost to most of todays couples.

 

Not suprisingly, the divorce rate hovers around fifty percent.

 

I am a much better marriage counselor now than I was even five years ago, let alone 30 years ago. With each passing year I learn more about healthy marriages and marriage solutions, both personally and professionally.

 

You might not know, for just one example, that in many marriage problems, one person can turn the situation around, if that person only knew how. In almost all situation, angry feelings can be avoided altogether. Many people think I intend you to control or manage your anger, but that is not what I mean. When you straighten out your thinking, you change your feelings and don't feel angry in the first place.

How will you know that the marriage counselor you select, someone who is a complete stranger to you, is knowledgable, experienced, of good character and good ethics?

There is some bad news here: Anyone, including you, can set up shop on the internet as a marriage counselor. Sure, there are laws in most states, but how is someone on the internet going to get caught? There is no national license and no supervising board for anyone who wants to provide marriage counseling.

 

You can find CD programs, "counseling" or coaching, "boot camps" and other activities being marketed by people with no mental health training. Just look up anything having to do with marriage or marriage counseling and some of the first few listings will be from marketing experts with no training in relationships or in marriage counseling. These marketing experts are trained in developing packaging for, creating interest in, and selling products. The product in these ads is help for your troubled marriage. These "experts" are credentialed by themselves. By self-report, these marketers say they solved their own marital difficulties and now think they know how to solve yours.

There is good news, too.

There are state requirements for providing marriage counseling. In most states, this requires a license as a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or one of a few other professions, varying from state to state.

 

Why all of this schooling, including years of graduate school, to provide marriage counseling? Why? Don't you think knowledge of normal and abnormal behavior would be helpful in working with couples? Wouldn't you want the person you are working with to have the broader knowledge to put your issues and problems into a larger context?

 

When you choose a licensed professional you know the person has been screened by a board of his professional peers for character and tested on his knowledge. Psychologists and other licensed professionals have to agree to detailed ethical standards and are held accountable if there is any question of violating those ethics.

If a psychologist or psychiatrist does anything wrong, for example, you can report him to his examining board and they will pursue your case, even to the point of taking away his license, if appropriate.

 

You can call the licensing board and find out if there is any complaint against a particular psychologist or psychiatrist because the examining board collects all complaints, if any. In addition, there are professional associations such as the American Psychological Association or the American Psychiatric Association that accept complaints. If a complaint is registered, these organizations report to the state board and also pursue the case, even to the point of ousting someone from the organization.

How do you check on the ethics for those marketing guyswhen they are doing counseling?

What happens if one of those marketing guys does something wrong or if you have a complaint? Whom do you call?

 

Since there was no screening for personal character or minimum knowledge, and no examination, there is no examining board to call. There are no ethical or professional standards and therefore no professional group that he has to answer to. If a psychologist lies to a client, is arrested for a felony, is sexual with a client, pressures a client to buy a product, presents information as accurate when he knows it is not, and for a host of other reasons, he can be charged with an ethical violation and could lose his license to practice.

 

A marketing person, on the other hand, can make up results, cover up arrests for illegal or dishonest behavior, approach a client sexually, pressure someone to purchase a product, outright lie about his credentials or anything else and there is no one to answer to for his misbehavior.

 

The only test he takes is to find out if he can get you to purchase his product: marriage help services or other programs. He does not have a license to take away. He has no professional association for you to call. How could you go about finding out if there are any complaints against him? There is no one to call.

I am a psychologist. I was originally licensed in 1975 by the Maryland Board of Examiners for Psychologists.

In over 30 years of practice, there has never been a complaint against me. You can call the Psychology Board and verify that information. I am also a member in good standing of the American Psychological Association—you could call them and ask about me, too.

The Maryland Psychology Board requires a doctorate degree and two years of experience before you can be licensed. In Maryland, psychologists must take continuing education throughout their careers in order to remain licensed.

A significant part of doctoral training is learning about personality. Psychologists are trained in normal and abnormal aspects of personality and the development of personality—including factors that affect it in both good ways and bad. Moreover, doctorate-level training is also heavily weighted with the evaluation and treatment of personality, mental and behavioral problems and other psychological disorders.

This training, when combined with over 30 years of experience, gives me an immense database of problems and solutions. If you present me with your relationship that was violated by marital infidelity, for example, there are many factors that can influence the survivability of your marriage. Some of these factors will be obvious to you, and some not.

You benefit from my experience with all of the other individuals and couples I have worked with when I evaluate and work with your particular situation. From what I can gather regarding other therapists with similar years of experience, we have considerable overlap in what we tell clients with troubled relationships.

What makes us each unique is the beliefs we hold, the emphasis each of us places on one relationship aspect versus another and the way each of us presents and applies the information to your relationship problems.

Some marriage counselors are passive while others are more directive. I am on the more directive side. I don’t just sit back and let you argue or flounder—you’ve probably been doing too much of that anyway. This brings me to my beliefs which directly impact the way I help relationships in trouble.

These are some of my beliefs that might differ from what you experience elsewhere.

I believe it is important to live up to your highest character and ethics. Clients tell me that other marriage counselors justified or excused their unethical behavior.

I believe it is important to work out your marriage relationship, if you are married. I have been told about other counselors who begin treatment saying something like “I will consider this successful treatment whether you stay together or divorce.” I take a clear stand for your marriage.

I believe it is important to learn how to not feel anger in the first place. Clients tell me that they were instructed by other counselors to “Let your anger out; don’t bottle up your feelings.” I don’t mean that when you are angry you don’t show it; rather, I intend to teach you how to avoid feeling angry so there is nothing to cover up. I believe that partners should be best friends to each other and not treat each other like enemies.

I believe it is important in counseling to learn good communication skills with each other and to have practice discussing personally difficult issues with each other under my guidance. The message I hear too often goes something like “We got really good at talking to the marriage counselor and telling her our problems, but we never felt that our communication with each other improved.”

These are some of my beliefs that I apply in working with your marriage problems.

I "meet" people from around the country by telephone. I meet in-person with couples at my office in Owings Mills, Maryland, which is just outside Baltimore and near Towson and a little farther in the other direction to Columbia. Do you want to find out more about how I think about marriages and how I would work with your marriage difficulties? Read my website to find out.

Voice: 410.654.1300 Toll-free: 866.654.1300

 

www.marriage-counselor-doctor.com

 

email: feg@marriage-counselor-doctor.com

 

Physical location:

1314 Bedford Avenue, Suite 113

Baltimore, MD  21208