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Articles from Darlene Lancer | Selfgrowth.com
- 10 Habits that Lower Self-Esteem and Cause Depression - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2016 from Darlene LancerWhen our self-esteem is low, which is typical of codependency, we’re at greater risk for depression. Codependency is learned, and so are self-esteem and the beliefs and habits that cause both low self-esteem and codependency. Self-esteem is what we think about ourselves. It includes positive and ...
Views: 2643(2 votes) - 10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerHas setting limits not worked? Despite your efforts, are your boundaries often ignored? It's frustrating, but it's not always the other person’s fault. Here's why and what to do. There are several reasons why boundaries don’t work. As I wrote in Codependency for Dummies and How to Speak Your ...
Views: 2054(2 votes) - 10 Steps to Self-Love and Nurturing - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2013 from Darlene LancerThe idea of self-love and self-nurturing baffles most people, especially codependents, who by and large, received inadequate parenting. The word “nurture” comes from the Latin nutritus, meaning to suckle and nourish. It also means to protect and foster growth. For young children, this usually ...
Views: 2010(1 vote) - 4 TYPES OF NARCISSISM SHARE A CORE TRAIT - by Submitted on Aug 29, 2020 from Darlene LancerThere are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy ...
Views: 1022(2 votes) - 5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on Jan 16, 2018 from Darlene LancerPeople are easily charmed by a narcissist, especially codependents. Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. I’ve had a number of clients who claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic ...
Views: 1493(3 votes) - 5 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Change Your Life - by Submitted on Jul 13, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur thoughts are powerful – for better or worse. Thoughts can set off chain reactions that build self-esteem or undermine it. Authority over our mind is the ultimate power. “Mind is everything. What you think you become,” said Buddha. Thoughts affect not only our mental health, relationships, ...
Views: 2010(3 votes) - 6 Keys to Assertive Communication - by Submitted on Apr 17, 2011 from Darlene LancerCommunication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners – for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It's respectful, direct, honest, ...
Views: 2937(3 votes) - 6 STRATEGIES WHEN NARCISSISTS WON’T LET GO - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2021 from Darlene LancerBeware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to ...
Views: 627(2 votes) - Affirming Your True, Authentic Self - by Submitted on Nov 30, 2013 from Darlene LancerEach time you affirm your true, authentic self, every cell in your body cheers “Yes!” When you negate yourself, it has negative biological consequences. To build self-esteem and affirm your true self, try this: Take action to meet your needs. Express who you really are. Think good thoughts ...
Views: 1875(1 vote) - ARE EMPATHS CODEPENDENT? - by Submitted on May 06, 2021 from Darlene LancerEmpaths are more than empathetic. Like an HSP–highly sensitive person–they’re highly attuned to stimuli and other people’s emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They may be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some ...
Views: 584(2 votes) - Are Narcissists Made or Born? - by Submitted on May 20, 2024 from Darlene LancerNarcissists can be hard to empathize with, but research on inherited narcissism shows they didn’t choose to be that way; they bear scars from childhood.Traditionally, childrearing, particularly by the mother, was considered the cause of narcissism. In recent years, more research and twin studies ...
Views: 236(1 vote) - Are You Codependent? - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerDo you wonder if you are Codependent? Do you regularly sacrifice your opinions, needs or wants, and then feel resentful? Do you feel guilty saying no and resentful when you don’t? Are you controlled by, or try to control someone else, whom your thoughts and feelings revolve around, as in the ...
Views: 2592(2 votes) - Are You Feeding Narcissistic Supply? - by Submitted on Aug 05, 2021 from Darlene LancerNarcissists hunger to have their needs met. If you’re in a close relationship with a narcissist, they expect you to supply them. The term “narcissistic supply” is based on the psychoanalytic theory that concerns essential needs of babies and toddlers to maintain their mental and emotional ...
Views: 840(2 votes) - Are You in Control? - by Submitted on Jul 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerWhere is your power center? Is it in you or in other people or circumstances? Paradoxically, controlling people often believe that they don’t have control over their lives or even themselves. Control is important to codependents. Many attempt to control what they can’t – other people – rather ...
Views: 5046(3 votes) - Are you in Denial? - by Submitted on Jul 26, 2014 from Darlene LancerWe’re all in denial. We’d barely get through the day if we worried that we or people we love could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore problems for which there are ...
Views: 1670(1 vote) - Are You Kind or Are You Codependent? - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerDo you wonder whether you're a kind, empathetic person or are you codependent?There is a difference between empathy and codependency. There are codependents who are abusers and not caring, and some people who are caring and aren't codependent. So what's the difference?First, the definition of ...
Views: 287(1 vote) - AUTHENTICITY HEALS: 6 STEPS TO BEING AUTHENTIC - by Submitted on Jun 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerAuthenticity is the opposite of shame. It reveals our humanity and allows us to connect with others. Shame creates most all codependency symptoms – including hiding who we are, sacrificing our needs, and saying yes when we rather not – all to be accepted by someone else. It warps our ...
Views: 1768(2 votes) - Benefits of Letting Go Discoverable in Therapy - by Submitted on Mar 30, 2024 from Darlene LancerLetting go of someone we love is never easy. Letting go allows us more freedom in our lives and helps us stop controlling behavior. It might mean letting go of someone who is self-destructive, like an addict. Fundamentally, we’re powerless over someone else. Letting go may feel unloving, but it ...
Views: 283(1 vote) - BEWARE OF THE DARK TRIAD - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerThink of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our ...
Views: 1342(2 votes) - Breaking the Cycle of Abandonment - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerIf you're discontented in a relationship or go from one to another or even remain unhappily alone, you may be caught in a worsening cycle of abandonment. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. Loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness is ...
Views: 1712(1 vote) - BREAKUP RECOVERY - by Submitted on Jun 18, 2016 from Darlene LancerBreakups can be severely painful. Love stimulates such powerful and pleasurable neuro-chemicals that rejection can feel like withdrawal from a drug. It can compel us to engage in obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, even in animals. Rejection and breakups are especially hard for ...
Views: 1670(1 vote) - CAESAREAN BiRTHS - ARE WOMEN TOLD THE TRUTH? - by Submitted on Sep 30, 2010 from Darlene LancerCaesarian sections in the U.S. hit a record high for the eleventh year in a row - averaging about one-third of births nationally, up from 26 percent in 2002 and 5 percent in 1970. The rate is 36 percent in New York (45 percent at Albany Medical Center) and 39 percent in Florida (50 percent in ...
Views: 1698(2 votes) - Can a Narcissist Benefit from Psychotherapy? - by Submitted on May 29, 2019 from Darlene LancerMany people ask whether narcissists can change or benefit from therapy. Because narcissists see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, their ability to look at themselves introspectively is limited. Thus, they don’t often come to ...
Views: 1062(3 votes) - CAN A NARCISSIST LOVE? - by Submitted on Dec 19, 2018 from Darlene LancerAnyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes ...
Views: 1088(1 vote) - Can Therapy Help You Change? - by Submitted on Nov 27, 2010 from Darlene LancerIs it possible to truly change? Does therapy help? Many people have turned their lives and fortunes around, while others spend years trying to change with or without therapy, but never seem to progress. What makes the difference? Certainly, there are skilled and unskilled psychotherapists. ...
Views: 1975(2 votes) - Can You Love Too Much? - by Submitted on Mar 12, 2015 from Darlene LancerConventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we ...
Views: 1409(1 vote) - Changing Codependent Dynamics in Abusive Relationships - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerMany codependents are in abusive relationships with addicts or people with mental illness. The symptoms of codependency encourage the dysfunctional dynamics in these relationships, which in turn worsens codependent symptoms. This makes sense when we consider the definition of codependency and ...
Views: 932(1 vote) - Child Parentification: The Cause, Signs, and Recovery - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term child parentification was coined in 1967 by family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin, who said the phenomenon occurred when parents de facto delegated parenting roles to children. It can happen when one parent is physically absent or when a dysfunctional family is under stress because ...
Views: 281(1 vote) - Christmas Blues? Tips to Cope with the Holidays - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe stress of the holidays triggers sadness and depression for many people. This time of year is especially difficult because there’s an expectation of feeling merry and generous. People compare their emotions to what they assume others are experiencing or what they’re supposed to feel and then ...
Views: 1803(2 votes) - CODEPENDENCY ADDICTION: STAGES OF DISEASE AND RECOVERY - by Submitted on Dec 10, 2016 from Darlene LancerCodependency has been referred to as “relationship addiction” or “love addiction.” Our focus on others helps alleviate our pain and inner emptiness, but by ignoring ourselves, it only grows. This habit becomes a circular, self-perpetuating system that takes on a life of its own. Our thinking ...
Views: 2187(1 vote) - Codependency is based on Fake Facts - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2017 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on a lie. Its symptoms develop to cope with the deep, but false and painful belief – that “I’m not worthy of love and respect.” In the chart to the left, core symptoms of codependency are in red, but nearly all the symptoms revolve around shame – the shame that accompanies ...
Views: 2186(1 vote) - Codependency: Effect of Self-Esteem on Relationships - by Submitted on Feb 12, 2016 from Darlene LancerResearch has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships. A person’s initial level of ...
Views: 2110(2 votes) - Codependent Problems in Relationships - by Submitted on Apr 15, 2012 from Darlene LancerEveryone laughs when I tell them that I wrote Codependency for Dummies. But codependency is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans, both in and out of relationships. I know. I spent decades recovering. There are all types of codependents, including ...
Views: 2795(2 votes) - COMBAT NARCISSISTS’ AND ABUSERS’ PRIMARY WEAPON: PROJECTION - by Submitted on Mar 15, 2019 from Darlene LancerProjection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or ...
Views: 1082(3 votes) - CRAFT Addiction Treatment and Codependency - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerThough powerless over an alcoholic-addict's ultimate behavior, we can influence them to get addiction treatment using CRAFT. It's a Community Reinforcement and Family Training program for addiction treatment developed in the 70s that has been effective in training “Concerned Significant Others" ...
Views: 512(2 votes) - DARVO: Abusers’ “Victim-Blaming” Tactic - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerAbusers are long known for victim-blaming, because they never want to take responsibility. More recently a research psychologist Jennifer Joy Freyd gave this a name: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is more than either “playing the victim” or ...
Views: 561(2 votes) - Dating a Narcissist - by Submitted on Jul 09, 2020 from Darlene LancerYou won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a ...
Views: 934(2 votes) - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - by Submitted on Oct 19, 2017 from Darlene LancerOur mother is our first love. She’s our introduction to life and to ourselves. She’s our lifeline to security. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally long for her physical and emotional sustenance, her touch, her smile, and her protection. ...
Views: 2277(2 votes) - Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Partner - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2015 from Darlene LancerPassive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They're basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are ...
Views: 1634(1 vote) - Dealing with Highly Aggressive People - by Submitted on Oct 09, 2022 from Darlene LancerIndividuals who are aggressive thrive on provoking and escalating conflict. They’re usually domineering and try to control the conversation. They’re distrustful, reactive, highly defensive, intense, dogmatic, and often, though not always, loud. They’re not open to alternative points of view, but ...
Views: 573(2 votes) - DENIAL OF BAD BEHAVIOR – WHAT YOU CAN DO - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerDenial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. It can have benefits, but denial can also be our undoing and have life-threatening consequences. It affects not only individuals. Denial in the form of "group-think" can dangerously take over families and entire groups. ...
Views: 1381(2 votes) - Depression and Women - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2010 from Darlene LancerLast year, a study reported that despite the improvement in women's lives, their happiness relative to men has declined since the '70s, when the reverse was true. This held true across racial and socio-economic lines in several industrialized countries. Women's happiness also declines with age. ...
Views: 1822(1 vote) - DEPROGRAMMING CODEPENDENT BELIEFS - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough. This is ...
Views: 1159(1 vote) - Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term "ego" has a bad rep, but in fact, having a strong ego indicates mental health in contrast to a weak or big ego. In Freud's structural model of the psyche, "I" was translated to the Latin, "ego." Unlike the primitive "id" seen in infants, the ego develops in stages and represents the ...
Views: 305(1 vote) - Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego - by Submitted on Feb 27, 2024 from Darlene LancerThe term "ego" has a bad rep, but in fact, having a strong ego indicates mental health in contrast to a weak or big ego. In Freud's structural model of the psyche, "I" was translated to the Latin, "ego." Unlike the primitive "id" seen in infants, the ego develops in stages and represents the ...
Views: 308(2 votes) - Dilemmas of Codependent Men - by Submitted on May 26, 2012 from Darlene LancerThe dilemmas of codependent men aren’t talked about. Unlike women, men don’t discuss their relationship problems with friends and family. Instead, they internalize their pain. Many are in denial, suffer in silence, or become numb to their needs and feelings. They shun attention and try to do the ...
Views: 3372(2 votes) - DISCOVER YOUR TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF - by Submitted on Apr 08, 2018 from Darlene LancerCodependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me they don’t really know themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice ...
Views: 1181(3 votes) - DIVORCE: A TRANSFORMATION PROCESS - by Submitted on Sep 29, 2010 from Darlene LancerThe emotional unbonding that can occur during divorce is the cornerstone for transformation and is my focus. The task of emotional separation involves unbonding romantic and dependent aspects of the relationship, and mourning. This is the stage where growth and transformation unfold. It includes ...
Views: 1812(1 vote) - Do I have to Lose My Self to Love You? | What Is Codependency? - by Submitted on May 09, 2018 from Darlene LancerAs codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve it is typical of ...
Views: 1092(2 votes) - Do You Love a Narcissist? - by Submitted on Sep 15, 2011 from Darlene LancerIt’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive ...
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