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Articles from Gary Direnfeld | Selfgrowth.com
- Alcoholic? Quitting is Only the Beginning - by Submitted on Apr 04, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldPeople who drink to excess, where their drinking causes distress to others, are frequently caught in a web of denial and minimization. These persons are unable to see or unable to admit that their drinking is adversely affecting their own life and that of others. Typically, this person excuses ...
Views: 1656 - Introducing New Partner Too Fast, Too Soon - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldEven though a spouse may have contemplated separation for years prior to informing their partner, to the partner, the news comes as a shock, even in view of a tumultuous relationship. For the children, the shock is often even greater. To intensify matters befalling the children, the spouse who ...
Views: 1406 - Treating Teens Who Abuse Drugs/Alcohol - by Submitted on Jan 21, 2009 from Gary DirenfeldLike schools of fish, teens who abuse drugs and alcohol tend to hang in the same crowd. They garner a kind of moral support or legitimacy from like-minded and behaving peers for their drug and alcohol consumption. Further, when drug and alcohol consumption reaches the abuse stage, they are seen ...
Views: 841 - Managing High Conflict Separated Parents - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldForget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Views: 1712 - Considering A Parenting Coordinator? - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldSome separated or divorced parents continue to find themselves in ongoing disputes, even in view of separation agreements and parenting plans. The high-conflict nature of those disputes interferes with the well-being of the children and continually brings these parents to Court for ...
Views: 1014 - Healthy Eating And Kids - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldTeaching kids healthy eating is not a lecture, it is a parental practice through which children observe and learn. Further, although kids may whine and squirm and even outright reject what’s on the plate, parents must come to realize that being held hostage by childish control strategies only ...
Views: 1027 - Domestic Violence And Children - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldYour children are listening and sometimes watching too. It is a myth to think yelling and screaming, pushing, shoving, throwing of objects and hitting between parents does not affect their children. Consider the child’s perspective. Children are wholly dependent upon their parents for safety ...
Views: 958 - Managing Child Behaviour - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2008 from Gary DirenfeldIn the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time out, loss of a privilege, ...
Views: 874 - Understanding Is Not Enough - by Submitted on Nov 26, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldUnderstanding Is Not Enough In the course of normal childhood behaviour, children misbehave. When they do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of appropriate behaviour and seek to hold the child accountable. If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive a consequence such as time ...
Views: 759 - Psychological Abuse - by Submitted on Nov 26, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldPsychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Views: 1423 - Forget Harmony, Settle For Peace - by Submitted on Nov 26, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldForget Harmony, Settle for Peace An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely ...
Views: 921 - Teen’s First Job - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldTeen’s First Job A teen’s first job is a right of passage. It provides the teen the ability to earn money independently and teaches them new meanings for responsibility. The first job also enlightens the teen to the responsibilities of the parents and for many, makes them appreciative not only ...
Views: 1240 - Separating? - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSeparating? Once the decision to separate is made, there are a number of other issues to settle. If the decision has been made in isolation, there is the matter of informing one’s spouse. Thereafter comes telling the kids. From there, attention is directed towards determining the ongoing care ...
Views: 1118 - The Long Arm Of Domestic Violence - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldThe Long Arm Of Domestic Violence Public attention to domestic violence tends to focus on the immediacy of the problem. In other words when the average persons thinks about domestic violence, thoughts go to the fright of the victim in the situation and physical harm caused. Media attention ...
Views: 831 - Someone Really Really Difficult To Get Along With? - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSomeone really really difficult to get along with? Most people get along with others. There might be the odd bit of friction between a person or two, but for the most part, most people get along. There is a sub-group of people however, that don’t seem to get along with almost anyone. These ...
Views: 962 - Psychological Abuse - by Submitted on Nov 07, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldPsychological Abuse Psychological abuse leaves the victim blaming herself and questioning her own perceptions over the behaviour of the abusive partner and it can start very insidiously. Psychological abuse occurs when one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or ...
Views: 946 - Reconciliation Counselling - by Submitted on May 16, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldReconciliation Counselling Some people look across the great divide of a fractured relationship feeling it can never exist again. In such situations, the parties may be at odds with respect to their version of events. They may feel there must be agreement on the version of events, without which ...
Views: 2846 - Settling Custody and Access Disputes… - by Submitted on May 16, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldSettling Custody and Access Disputes… Court, Counselling, Mediation, Parenting Coordinator: What’s the difference? Parents who are separated need to sort out the ongoing care of their children. Statistically, most do so between themselves without any help or support from outside resources. ...
Views: 1109 - Conflict of Libidos - by Submitted on Feb 19, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldConflict of Libidos? Libido refers to sexual drive. Over the course of the human life span, libido can increase or decrease depending upon numerous factors. Those factors can be divided into biological, psychological and social. Of the biological factors, a woman’s menstrual cycle is ...
Views: 1509 - Bless the Coach - by Submitted on Feb 19, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldBless the Coach Be it t-ball, baseball, soccer or hockey, most little league coaches are there for the love of children. For some it’s even more personal. Their kid is on the team. The value of participation by children in little league sports is manifold. Children get to learn the game, ...
Views: 1352 - Choosing Mr. Right - by Submitted on Feb 19, 2007 from Gary DirenfeldChoosing Mr. Right Some women find it difficult finding Mr. Right. They may be jumping into the relationship too quickly. These strategies may save a lot of disappointment and hurt: Determine if this should even get started: For whatever reason, men of limited virtue seem to have radar for ...
Views: 1051 - My Child is Odd - by Submitted on Dec 15, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldMy Child is Odd The child may act the class clown. The child may prefer to hang out with the adults. The child likely uses phrases, innuendo, jokes or sarcasm heard from others, but uses them inappropriately, at the wrong time, with the wrong persons. The child has a poor sense of boundaries, ...
Views: 1037 - The First Few Years Of School - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThe First Few Years Of School As a preschooler, your child was well behaved and didn’t exhibit any particular problems. Next your child enters school, perhaps Kindergarten, and then Grade one. Slowly issues with some classes and subjects appear. Maybe they are thought nothing of in Grade one, ...
Views: 1093 - Normal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued - by Submitted on Sep 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldNormal Childhood Behaviour Misconstrued There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the ...
Views: 1130 - Marriages On The Cusp - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldMarriages On The Cusp There are three general scenarios that bring couples to counselling. There are those couples that are jointly committed to the relationship and are seeking improvement. There are those couples that are jointly seeking to dissolve the relationship and are seeking to manage ...
Views: 941 - How long does it take to rebuild trust? - by Submitted on Aug 02, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldHow long does it take to rebuild trust? Sometimes it’s couples where one partner has had an affair. Other times it’s between parents and a teen where the teen has stolen, lied or has been doing drugs. The issue is trust and the question is, “How long does it take to rebuild trust when ...
Views: 6514 - Am I Fat? - by Submitted on Jul 11, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldAm I Fat? Most husbands would agree that to hear that question from their wife is akin to being asked to boil oneself in oil. However, what about when a child asks or needs to be informed? As recently reported (July 2006), the American Medical Association and the Center for Disease Control ...
Views: 939 - The Pre-Marital Toilet Test - by Submitted on Jul 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThe Pre-Marital Toilet Test We enter marriage with hopes, aspirations and faith. When marital discord strikes we are overcome with disillusionment. A year into the marriage, the notion of “tell death do us part”, smacks us in the face like a glass of cold water. Not only do we enter into ...
Views: 1095 - Let Go To Win - Child Custody - by Submitted on May 30, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldLet Go To Win Monkey hunters have an ingenious way to trap their prey. They carve a small hole into a gourd and then hollow it out. Into the gourd they place a small piece of fruit or some nuts. They strap the gourd to a tree and then wait. In a little while a monkey shows up and sniffs at the ...
Views: 1756(1 vote) - Ah, Newlyweds… then reality sets in. - by Submitted on May 18, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldAh, Newlyweds… then reality sets in. The wedding day is met with much anticipation. Bright eyed, eager, some butterflies, plans in place. So much thought and preparation for a single event. Then the honeymoon and then back to real life. There is often magical thinking that goes into a wedding. ...
Views: 1041 - Can a child choose which parent to live with? - by Submitted on May 18, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldEeny, meeny, miny, moe… Can a child choose which parent to live with? Sometimes parents involve their children in custody, residency and access matters hoping the opinion of the child sways the outcome. At other times, children may seek to initiate a change themselves. The child’s desire may be ...
Views: 2687 - How Do You Rate Your Separation - by Submitted on Apr 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldHow Do You Rate Your Separation When parents separate, they worry about the effect of their separation on the kids. Not only is there data to suggest that adults whose parents separated when they were children are at greater risk of divorce themselves, but also data that suggests the greater ...
Views: 900 - Effects of Exposure to Domestic Violence From Childhood to Adult Life - by Submitted on Apr 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldOne of the many problems for children exposed to domestic violence, is that for some, it comes to be included amongst their own interpersonal management strategies. Children exposed to domestic violence learn the use of violence as a strategy to mediate their needs and wants. They see the ...
Views: 2457 - Assessing Change - by Submitted on Apr 19, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldAssessing Change You’ve been for counselling and you are not sure if it is working. Part of you feels nothing has changed and another part feels like something is different. You are probably right on both counts. Most folks when seeking change look for dramatic differences. When results are ...
Views: 862 - When a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldWhen a Child With Special Needs and Complex Disabilities Surfaces with Behaviour Problems Some children present with an abundance of challenges involving academic functioning, communication and physical difficulties. Combined these children face a remarkable struggle keeping up with their ...
Views: 1384 - Need Help Parenting a Teen? - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldSome parents of teens confuse their parenting role with that of friend. In so doing, they abdicate their parental authority and minimize their ability to provide direction, guidance, limits and structure. In such cases parents may feel their teenaged son or daughter must like them. The parent ...
Views: 992 - Parental Separation: Who Do You See? - by Submitted on Mar 28, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldThere is a dynamic that naturally evolves when parents only see lawyers to determine their ongoing relationship to children, post separation or divorce. Regardless of the disposition of the lawyer, on the mind of the parent, is winning or coming away with a particular outcome. The parent races ...
Views: 984 - On Coping with Death… Now imagine you are a child. - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldOn Coping with Death… Death. It hits hard and with a loved one, no matter what the preparation, the loss is heartfelt. Now imagine you are a child. Coping with the death of a parent in childhood will be different depending on the age of the child and the nature of the relationship. While all ...
Views: 1641 - Affairs Are About Anything But Love - by Submitted on Mar 11, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldAffairs Are About Anything But Love Participants present affairs as arising by chance and based upon love and mutual adoration. The relationship advances from flirtation to infatuation. This can happen quickly or over considerable time. Eventually there is an expectation that the affair advance ...
Views: 1306 - Parents can help prevent teen driver car crashes - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldParents can help prevent teen driver car crashes Whenever one gets behind the wheel of a car the process of risk assessment begins. This is why drivers look both ways before entering the roadway. The driver is determining issues of risk before taking action. Often, the driver is also trying to ...
Views: 1174 - Separated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldSeparated parents in dispute: Don’t drag in your service providers! Separated parents in high conflict have a way of dragging others into their dispute. Not just family friends, and neighbours, but every professional associated with the children. The parents seek to bolster their claims to ...
Views: 1038 - Who’s in charge anyways? - by Submitted on Feb 06, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldWho’s in charge anyways? It’s not uncommon to find parents and grandparents living together with everyone minding the young. In fact, by many cultures, this is a very normal situation that works well for everyone. It tends to work best when everyone knows his or her place and it is clear who is ...
Views: 918 - Imagine… A Collaborative Approach To Divorce - by Submitted on Jan 22, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldImagine… A Collaborative Approach To Divorce There is a movement in family law whereby divorcing couples can sign agreements with lawyers to not go to court. More specifically, the process is known as Collaborative Family Law (CFL) and the agreement to not go to court is binding upon the ...
Views: 946 - Assessing and Managing School-Age Children with Behavioral Problems - by Submitted on Jan 12, 2006 from Gary DirenfeldAssessing and Managing School-Age Children with Behavioral Problems Your child is about 7 years old. The teacher reports problems listening in class, sitting still and getting into conflict with peers. First thought always seems to be ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). But what if ...
Views: 1413 - The Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions - by Submitted on Dec 14, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldThe Granddaddy of All New Years Resolutions What if you really needed only one New Years resolution? It could be the granddaddy of all resolutions and cover off all things from more time with the kids to quitting smoking and even saving money. Well, there is one such resolution and it comes ...
Views: 801 - Kids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute - by Submitted on Nov 27, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldKids of Separated Parents: The Annual Holiday Access Dispute Forget about the last minute gift shopping. The real issue for separated parents this season is who gets what time with the kids. With divorce seemingly as popular as marriage, more and more kids will be subject to the annual access ...
Views: 1489 - Parental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs - by Submitted on Nov 09, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldParental Guilt and Kids with Special Needs For the most part pregnancies are met with the anticipation of a good delivery and healthy baby. Upon delivery parents do a quick scan of the child checking for ten fingers, ten toes and if unknown, a check of the genitals to determine gender. A ...
Views: 706 - Children and Parents Adjust to Separation - by Submitted on Nov 09, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldChildren and Parents Adjust to Separation You haven’t separated physically yet, but the ink is dry on your parenting plan agreement and you are ready to go your separate ways. Now reality bites! Although many parents don’t talk about it, the final act of separation cuts like a knife, ...
Views: 1146 - Getting Kids Out Of The Cross Fire - by Submitted on Jan 29, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldGetting Kids Out Of The Cross Fire Heaven help those children whose separated parents are involved in a litigious parenting dispute. Not only might the children have to contend with possible sub-standard parenting as often alleged in various forms, but many children are also subject to the ...
Views: 864 - Check Ingredients Before Blending - by Submitted on Jan 29, 2005 from Gary DirenfeldCheck Ingredients Before Blending Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families. If you are looking at “blending” consider these points to facilitate the children’s adjustment: 1. Have a suitable courtship period. The purpose of courtship is to ...
Views: 945