***What Is Your Dating Style?

Lori called her best friend crying because Steve, the guy she had recently been dating, had told her that he did not want to see her anymore. She explained how he came on so strong in the beginning, calling every day, sending her flowers, telling her that she was the one and then suddenly he ended their relationship in just two months. Reviewing the circumstances over with her friend, she was trying to find out what she did wrong. The truth is that she may not have done anything wrong but was victim to a man with an unhealthy attachment style.

Almost all of our behaviors in dating have their origins in childhood. We learn how to relate with others through how our parents and siblings related to us. Even in the most “normal” households, unhealthy patterns could be learned and carried into our adult life. Most of our actions and reactions are unconscious, but if we recognize our own patterns we have the power to change them.

You learned to cope and respond early in life based on the nurturing or lack thereof by your parents or primary caregivers. If you received the cold shoulder from one of your parents when you sought attention, you may completely shut down, avoiding all attempts for affection as an adult. If your parents were overbearing and overprotective, you may not have learned to venture out and explore new things which could result in you becoming needy or clinging to your potential partners as an adult. Or, you may have received mixed signals from your parents, especially those with mental disorders, alcoholism or drug addiction. The unpredictability of the parent’s reaction leaves the child uncertain how to respond and could lead to extremes of the push and pull syndrome in relationships. The push-pull scenario is probably the cause of the earlier example about Steve’s falling quickly and then running way. According to research only 55% of children received an equal amount of attention and independence and have a healthy balance in their attachment style.

Why does this happen? As humans we are always looking for a safe place. In childhood, your sanctuary may be found by avoiding all contact and withdrawing because it is too dangerous to reach out. You may have learned to become so dependent on your parents being your protector that you seek that same comfort in your romantic relationships. Some people learned that they are safe without being by their mother’s side and then they do not seek a partner for their salvation. The most confusing style is the combination of grasping and avoiding that makes relationships so toxic. The child desperately wants the love but is afraid of it because it is unfamiliar. They keep searching for a safe place and the loop of destructive relationships will continue throughout their life.

This is great information to know for yourself and when choosing a mate. The best scenario is when both partners have healthy attachment styles. Don’t give up if you are one of those needy types, just because you learned to be one way does not mean that you are destined to be like that forever. Once you learn what your style is, you can recognize your reactions and learn to shift them to a healthier response. Take a look at your past relationships, were you the clingy type or the person that always withdrew and avoided communication or conflict? Then, go back to your childhood memories and discover who taught you to react this way. As an adult, think about a better way to react. If you are clingy, you may want to find a way to access your ‘safe place’ inside instead of trying to get it from someone else. If you are an avoider, meditate on opening your heart and practice moving out of your comfort zone to meet your partner half-way. Self-hypnosis is a great way to work with your inner child to heal some of your early wounds so that you can experience happier relationships. My Healing Heart CD is great for anyone who has old childhood issues or my Accepting Intimacy is especially beneficial for the avoiders. You cannot stop what you are not aware of, so the best plan of action is to bring old behaviors to consciousness so that you can have power over your responses.

After you have addressed this within yourself, you may notice the patterns of others that you date and determine if they make a good fit with your style. This information also comes in handy when analyzing why a romantic interest comes on too strong and then disappears like in Lori’s case. You can stop blaming yourself or what you did, but understand that he may have one of those confusing attachment styles. There is not right or wrong way to be, but there is power when you choose the style that works for you instead of the default reactions you were taught in your early years. Above all, instead of seeking solace in a romantic partner, you must find the safe place inside of you.