Food Addiction Recovery: To Be Weight Less in Body, Mind and Spirit

I was addicted to food and couldn't control my eating and my weight. It had cost me my marriage, my health, my career showing horses and my self-esteem.

I felt ashamed and isolated, as I fought a losing battle with yo yo dieting and ultimately uncontollable weight-gain. I showed horses professionally, and no matter how many trophies I won, it didn't come close to making up for the pain and shame as I stuffed myself into my too-tight pants and chaps.

I tried "geographical cures", that is, I moved all over the US and Canada hoping things would be better in a different place, but unfortunately, I took my same self with me.

I sought help in many ways, none of which worked for me. In therapy a well-meaning psychologist asked, "What's wrong with eating a piece of pecan pie?" Since that question indicated a total lack of understanding of food addiction, I didn't bother to go back to reply "I've never eaten just one piece of pecan pie in my life." That's like asking an alcoholic why one drink is a problem. Addiction to food and carbohydrate craving was not understood at that time. Exercise programs and supervised diets were set-ups for shame as the dreaded Monday morning weigh-in, after a weekend of bingeing was simply too terrifying to face. My favorite escape was to go to Florida in the winter, to fast on grapefruit,lie in the sun, sometimes pass out from hunger, and then return to showing in the spring. I always hoped (in vain)that I could maintain sanity and normal eating, "this time around."

The progression of the bingeing and fasting worsened through the years and I left my career as a trainer, lost my marriage, and severely damaged my health.

I continued to seek help. A miracle happened when I read an article about a 12 Step program for disordered eating. In this program, addiction to carbohydrates was seen as similar to addiction to alcohol or drugs, and abstinence from refined carbohydrates was the goal. In the meetings I came to understand that my inability to deal with emotions such as resentment, anger, fear, shame and guilt, led to my need to "stuff" those emotions with food, specifically mind-affecting foods such as simple carbohydrates which were mood-altering. "It's just food, it's not love".

I learned that people like myself who are carbohydrate sensitive, achieve not only the high, but a triggering effect and craving that results in continuing to eat long after being physically full.

In recovery I learned to fill the hole in the soul that came from childhood neglect and abuse, with unconditional love and acceptance from other food addicts. I began to deal with the toxic emotions that underlie addiction. I learned to express anger,fear, resentment, hurt and sadness, rather than stuffing them with food. My starving spirit was healed with support from others, and by supporting others.

The foundation of my recovery remains physical abstinence. I've been abstinent from sugar for 35 years. I continue rigorous, regular clearing of toxic emotions, daily spiritual practice and a healthy support system. I write and talk about "what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now," to give hope to others who want freedom from feeling powerless over food and weight.